Happy Ending
by find-nowhere
Summary: Ren's POV, after her first year of college. R/T slashiness and angst because it was my first ever fanfic. omg
1. Introduction

**_Michelle-Note:_**_ OMG I'm still alive. This is an old, old, old (ancient) story (my first ever piece of fanfiction). I wrote it circa 2002, and deleted it, never to upload it again because I hated it in afterthought. The characters were hella OOC and it was basically horrible by my standards. Per request from one of my readers who somehow remembered the story from ages ago, I am reposting it here and now. But(!) I wrote it so terribly long ago that when I now opened it on my much newer computer there was formatting chaos that I will not bother to describe, but I promise you it was like the Apocalypse of format doom. As a result of this chaos, as well as my utter hatred of the story itself, I am rewriting it. Same plot and all that jazz, just better writing and less suck - for those of you that still exist that read the original. Maybe one day soon I will write something new that is actually new, but no promises because I'm pretty unreliable._

_This is a Ren/Tawny, Ren's POV, in the future, after her first year of college...if you can't imply that from reading..._

Happy Ending

A while back I realized that not everything in life is happy and nothing in life is perfect. It took me a bit longer to realize that I couldn't make everything happy or perfect either, even after putting in the most possible effort. My grades were perfect, I had the perfect amount of extracurricular activities, I ended up being senior class president and valedictorian – this got me into a great college, where I was, of course, a perfect pre-law student. But none of this really matters, not in the end. I need something to be perfect that matters.

I'm the loser. I don't know what to do with myself. I was sad when I broke up with Bobby and when Jason and I finally met our end, but not like this. I dated some other jocks because it was expected of me, and I had to maintain my apparently perfection at all costs. There would be no flaws on Ren Stevens' high school career, not even romantically. I dated a few people when I got to college, only to shy away from the whole dating scene and drop the excuse about being too busy with school.

On the inside, all through high school I tore myself apart. I expected more from myself than anyone else, and put more pressure on myself than was necessary. It all became a meaningless routine, and she's all that kept me alive each time I almost had a nervous breakdown or anxiety attack. Cliché as it sounds – she gave me something to live for, something outside of my deceptive façade of perfection. She was the one thing I couldn't have no matter how hard I worked, and this baffled me.

Stupid love. Stupid her. Stupid me.

My waiting came to an end, a bitter, hateful end a few months ago. I didn't get what I wanted, or what I needed. I got nothing.

I should have given up and quit a long time ago, but I didn't. I couldn't tell you why I didn't let go, I just didn't. Was I really that blind? I thought I finally had a nice solid grasp of the reality of everything, but I didn't. It still threw me for a loop. A hell of a loop that left me on my ass, and I hadn't gotten up yet.

The disillusioned world in my head came crashing down one evening in early June in the parking lot of Wal-Mart, of all places. It had been a warm, humid Sacramento day, but not unpleasant. I came home for my brother's graduation; he had managed to not flunk out of high school. Everything was peachy, as peachy as it could be.

Now, here I was alone in my apartment on the eve of making the lengthy drive back to Sacramento for my little brother's wedding this time. My roommates were gone, and I was sort of glad because I was being exceptionally angst-ridden and dwelling on things I had no control over. So here I am, alone with Mr. Pookie, my long-faithful stuffed monkey. I feel like I'll always be alone. Forever pretending to be fixated on my schoolwork and then my career, when really I'm just fixated on _someone_.


	2. Part 1

_**Michelle-Note:** __Ok, so I lied a little bit. I am changing the plot slightly. As I read the original, I hated it a lot more than I anticipated. I apologize. Hopefully it's still ok...or better? Maybe?_

So what happened in the parking lot of Wal-Mart in June?

The past three years consisted of me teetering between bouts of hope and hopelessness. I alternated between trying senselessly hard to subtly ruin my little brother's relationship and trying senselessly hard to stop being ridiculous. In the Wal-Mart parking lot, this came to an end.

The entire time, part of me knew I'd ultimately accomplish nothing, but there would be these little moments of hope (or maybe just temporary insanity) that made my clinging seem worthwhile. These tiny, spaced out moments of hope were the driving force that kept me going, despite what else happened. I'd always been terribly stubborn and inclined to being obsessive once I put my mind to something.

I felt like I could wait forever, and somehow my patience and persistence would make me the winner. The situation became tolerable, and I probably could have just kept waiting provided the Wal-Mart parking lot incident had not occurred. I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did. I'm still just a dumb, little girl when it comes down to it. I've resigned myself to stop, but I clearly haven't as I'm sitting alone in my apartment dreading my trip home. I'd always needed my perfection, and I needed my happy ending.

We'd been sitting in the backseat of Twitty's car in silence. He and Louis had run inside to get "man things." We'd just gotten done with dinner. I looked out of the window and twiddled my thumbs, wishing she didn't have a boyfriend, wishing it wasn't my brother, wishing I could come up with something to say that wasn't the basic chit-chat about school and other nonsense, wishing she would say something to break the silence.

One wish came true.

"He asked me to marry him," she mumbled like she didn't really want me to hear.

I felt my heart sink. It certainly caught me off guard. I continued staring absently out the window, but I could feel her looking at me, waiting for a response. I didn't know what she wanted me to say, and I was well aware that I was taking entirely too long to make a decision. I didn't need to ask who _he_ was. It was my damn incompetent brother, who had no real life aspirations aside from being a comedian or something unrealistic of that nature; my damn little brother, whom I loved dearly, although I thought he was an idiot most of the time.

"Did you hear me?" She asked.

"Hm…oh, yeah…" I sputtered, "You're too young to get married. Go to college first." Wrong response.

"I already said yes."

I glanced at her hands, "No ring."

"I told him I didn't want a ring. I hate silly traditions, you know that."

"Isn't a wedding a silly tradition entirely?"

She shrugged, "It's what Louis wants…"

I sighed and choked back tears that I felt would be entirely too embarrassing. I looked back out the window, watching for Twitty and Louis. "Well…congratulations." I tried to say with more enthusiasm than came out. I attempted to recover, "So…when did this happen and does Twitty know and my parents? And like…everyone?"

"He asked me after graduation. You had wandered off. Yes, everyone knows, except your parents. I think he's telling them tonight."

"I'm sure that'll be awkward…"

It was her turn to sigh, "Don't sound so depressed…"

"I said congratulations already, what more do you want?" I snapped more than I had intended. My words just weren't coming out right at all.

"I'm sorry."

I turned and glared at her, "You're sorry? It's a bit too late to be sorry, you're engaged." I went ahead and let my sadness turn into anger. Anger was less embarrassing. I'm pretty sure it was mostly at myself, although it all came out at Tawny, "Are you just going to be one of those girls that gets married and starts popping out a baby every year or so and does nothing with her life?"

"No…I…I'm still going to school. I told you I got into the theater program at UCLA. Louis is just coming with me now, I guess. No babies. I'm terrible with children." She tried to force a smile.

Louis was so impulsive and absurd, and showing no signs of improvement. Tawny officially became off-limits, out of my grasp at that moment. I looked at her, "Think about what you're doing."

"I have. I didn't expect you to be like this…"

"How did you expect me to be? Really?"

She shrugged, "I'm sorry. You're one of my best friends, and…"

"Stop. I'm happy for you, really." I lied the best I could. Lying had become a lot harder over the years, "This just doesn't seem like something you'd do is all. There are so many other people that you'll be missing out on…and stuff."

"I was surprised too. I didn't realize I wanted it." She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than me.

I looked down toward my feet. It felt like my heart had tumbled down there somewhere, and I was certain I would see it somewhere in the shadows behind the driver's seat. I felt Tawny grab my hand and lace our fingers together, but I didn't acknowledge it.

"Ren, we'd never work."

"You don't know that."

"I do. It would ruin your perfect image."

I tore my hand away from hers, and looked into her icy blue eyes, "So you're making it about me now? Making it my fault?"

"No…I didn't mean it like that."

"How did you mean it?"

"I love Louis. He loves me. Stop being jealous."

"Jealous?" I spat out.

"Don't do this. Don't make me feel bad."

"You feel bad?"

"Stop responding to everything I say with questions."

"This is ridiculous." I tossed my hands into the air.

"What is? We've been on and off for years. I've been crazy about Louis since I met him. He's endearing."

"I know. I know. Just quit." I slapped her hands away from mine, as she moved over closer to me on the seat, closing some of the space, "What are you doing? Stop."

"I don't know. I'm sorry. This _is_ ridiculous."

I grabbed her and hugged her tightly, my anger dissipating back into sadness, "No, I'm sorry. I'm being silly. I want you to be happy, and I'd rather you be with Louis than some other asshat. At least I know my brother is good intentioned and that he cares about you." I said the list of things that seemed like what I _should_ say, but they weren't really what I felt at all. "And since I'll be your freakin' sister-in-law, I'll still see you and we can still be fr-"

She pulled out of the hug and put her index finger to my lips. She put her hands on either side of my face. I thought about all of the time we spent together, how we became friends via Louis, how after a drunken weekend with my parents out of town had turned into a night of cuddling and confessing secrets in the dark, how we sometimes made out when Louis wasn't around…just for fun, we'd say. No feelings. No attachment. But then there were feelings and attachment on my part. They were a secret for a while, until I spilled them, thinking it would accomplish something.

"When's the wedding?" I asked.

Her hands fell down to my shoulders, "We haven't set the exact date, but it'll be before I leave for school."

"Fair enough. I guess I'll have to come back home for it."

"I don't suppose you'd be my Maid of Honor, would you? I'm not good friends with that many chicks…"

I took a deep breath, "I'd rather not."

"Ok." She didn't argue or press the issue, but pulled me in for another hug instead.

She ran her hands through my hair and I felt her lips lightly touch my neck. I wanted to push her away. What if Louis and Twitty caught us? What was she even doing? What was she thinking? This all seemed to be a horrible idea, but I let her continue.

I let her press my back to the knobby, uncomfortable door, and I let her dip her tongue into my mouth. I grasped at the back of her shirt and pulled her closer to me. This was a horrible idea. Awful. My heart pounded in my chest from the general moment and the fear of being caught in this treacherous act. I felt her heart racing also. I don't know how long this went on, but I glanced out of the window and saw the boys coming, carrying bags of "man things."

"Stop." I pushed her away, and she quickly composed herself. She moved back over to her seat, and pulled her hair down and then quickly put it back up into a messy bun as I sorted out the wrinkles in my shirt.

Twitty opened the trunk and they dropped in their purchases then got inside.

Louis glanced back, "I hope you two weren't too bored when we were in there getting man things."

I shook my head and smiled awkwardly, "Nope. Not at all."

Tawny shook her head also, "No boredom."

Twitty looked at us in the rearview mirror, and laughed, "I hope I didn't miss you two making out."

"Ew." Louis punched him in the arm, "I don't wanna think about my sister doing that."

I cleared my throat and swallowed the irony. I looked at Tawny and noticed a slight smirk. I smiled for a moment, but then I couldn't believe what I had just done. I was the good girl, and here I was being a home-wrecker, or at least something close. Not only that, but she was my _brother's_ fiancé. Ren, the home-wrecker, wrecking my own brother's home…almost home.

I thought that night that maybe I should have tried harder, maybe the fault was with me. I was the one that wanted to keep everything a secret because I was embarrassed. Senior class president, Ren Stevens, could not be a lez. My credibility would have been ruined…at least that was constantly the thought racing around my head in the early days of this fiasco. I shrugged off these regrets then I committed myself to moving on.

"We just talked about _wedding_ things." I said, letting them know that I was in the loop, and it wasn't a complete lie. "Congrats, Louis."

Tawny stopped smiling and began picking at her fingernails.

"Thanks, sis. I think mom and dad may kill me."

"Possibly. You're insane."

They didn't, but it was quite the encounter. They thought he was joking. Eventually, they realized he wasn't, and I went to bed to let him fend for himself. They gave him a firm lecture about making important life decisions, and how he should probably talk to someone more stable before making them; someone like me – his dear sister that planned ahead and blah blah blah. I contemplated telling them that I _might_ be _sort of_ a lesbian that night also, but decided against it. They would probably be more ok with that than Louis getting married straight out of high school.

I left a few days later, on account of my taking summer classes to get ahead. More ahead, I should say. I didn't see Tawny again before I left, and didn't call her or anything once I got back to my apartment. I did a lot of work. I thought it would keep my mind off of things. It didn't.

I would move on, but it just hadn't worked yet.

_**Disclaimer:** __I don't own Wal-Mart, but I wish I did. I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. Ha._


	3. Part 2

_**Michelle-Note:** __So I wrote the end before I wrote the middle. It slowed me down. Oops. Here's part of the middle._

I managed to finish all of my reading for both of my summer classes. I guess that's what happens when you try to use homework to get your mind off of reality. I'd subsequently run out of things to do, and I didn't go out ever, so that's what got me into this state of laying pointlessly in my bed with Mr. Pookie and dwelling. There was nothing on television, I didn't have any movies that I hadn't seen a million times, and I was in the same situation with books.

Someone knocked on the door. Probably someone looking for one of my roommates, who had been gone for hours already, and if I ignored them, they'd go away. They always did.

I heard another knock, and didn't budge. I didn't want anyone to see me in my current state…mainly because I was being pointlessly emotional, but also because I was in my underwear and had made no effort to shower.

A momentary pause followed and another knock ensued. I'm glad the doorbell was broken. I imagined it would be more annoying than the incessant knocking. After another knock, I gave in.

"Just a minute!" I shouted in the general direction of the door, as I dug through my laundry for some pajama pants. Persistence paid off this time for this knocker.

"Ren, it's me. Can you hurry? I think it's about to start raining." I heard Tawny's voice reply, though muffled from the other side.

I lost my train of thought, and froze in place, hunched over my laundry basket. She'd driven four hours, less than a week from her wedding day, to show up at my apartment, and it was about to rain. That made no sense. I abandoned my mission to find pants and went to the door. As I unlocked it, I saw a flash of lightning then heard a rumble of thunder. Tawny squeezed in quickly to avoid the downpour that was sure to start soon. Appropriate weather.

"The place is a mess, I hope you don't mind." I said to her, confused by her presence. It wasn't really a mess, I just say shit to say shit sometimes.

"No, it's fine." She answered quickly and walked in like she lived here.

"What are you doing here?" I shut the door and followed her, my bafflement continuing.

"I needed to talk to you." Her voice cracked, and she turned. It was obvious that she'd been crying, possibly the entire drive here. Tawny didn't cry.

"What's wrong?"

She tugged at her own hair and took a deep breath, but didn't stay anything. She just stared at me with those piercing blue eyes.

"Hey, hey, sit down…" I guided her backwards to the couch.

She looked like she was trying to compose herself as I sat next to her. She leaned her head back and covered her eyes with her arm, but she couldn't seem to get any words out. I was torn between touching her in some comforting way, saying something, and some combination of the two, so I ended up just sitting and looking at her stupidly.

Eventually she cleaned her throat and looked up at me, "Will you be one of my bridesmaid's at least?"

I blinked a few times, "Tawny…no."

Tears began welling up in her eyes again.

"Don't tell me you drove all the way here to ask me that. You could have just called, you know." I tried to make her laugh, and elbowed her a little.

"I'm not friends with any girls!"

"Seriously?" I questioned.

"Yes! I'm going to have to use my random cousins that I barely know!"

"Is that really what's wrong?"

She seemed infinitely frustrated with herself, and kept frantically wiping her eyes. "No…" She pouted, "I'm being absolutely stupid is what's wrong."

This was quite the role reversal. I was not good with people, no good with making them feel better or anything like that, "What's up?"

She suddenly shoved me, nearly pushing me off of my couch, "You ruin everything," She said, glaring bitterly, "I hate you, Ren Stevens."

"What? Why?" I couldn't help but be unconvinced.

"I don't wanna marry Louis." She stated after taking a huge sobbing breath.

What was I supposed to say to that? My mind presented me with several options – I went with the one that was the complete opposite of what I actually felt. It seemed like the best course of action, "You just have cold feet, and you're being silly."

"No."

"No?" Hooray for my faux-confusion. Here she was, saying the things that I wanted her to say, and I responded in the opposite way I had planned in my head.

"But it's too late. I let it get too far. I can't back out now…I just can't." She rattled off a list of reasons why calling off the wedding couldn't happen, "My dad has already paid for everything. Louis is excited. He has the honeymoon lined up. Your parents…they expect it, they expect me to marry _him_, so does my dad. My family is coming in from all over the place to be at this stupid wedding. People made plans around this…"

"Tawny, why don't you want to marry Louis?" Maybe I just wanted her to actually say it out loud? For my ego? For something…

She looked at me as if I were completely retarded and I thought she may punch me in the face, "I don't love him…I don't want to be one of those girls that gets married out of high school. I don't."

She didn't say it, not what I wanted. Not exactly.

"You're just freaking out. I think this is normal…" I tried to encouraging and supportive and all of that crap. I was trying to be a normal friend, not a friend who was madly in love with a friend.

"I think I'm making a horrible mistake."

"Divorce is easy." I tossed out there and shrugged, genuinely hoping to elicit a smile.

She scowled and didn't find it funny, "I don't want to be divorced before I finish college. I don't want to be one of those girls either, dammit."

I felt stupid. Stupid for not just telling her what I really wanted to tell her instead of the manufactured bullshit that I said instead. Stupid for how I handled everything with her. Stupid for caring so much about what other people would think. Stupid for this damn selfless award that I was apparently shooting for – a selfless award that didn't exist, except in my head. Was I trying to make myself into the damn victim by pushing the girl I loved in the direction of my brother, despite the fact that she showed up at my apartment, clearly wanting me to do something vastly different? Stupid, Ren Stevens, stupid.

Her tears had subsided and she looked more angry than sad now. I had taken to long to say something, spent too much time thinking…again.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked her, puzzled.

For just a moment I thought she'd spontaneously burst into tears again, but she turned everything against me, "No. What the hell do _you_ want _me_ to say?"

Time to play dumb again, "Huh?"

"Did you think I was going to waltz up in here and say I don't want to marry Louis because I love you? Did you want me to say I'm upset because I'm marrying the wrong Stevens?" Her voice began to rise, "Is that why you think I came here?"

"I…" She got me. She got me with her psychology.

"Because if I recall correctly, _you_ were the one that wanted to keep us a secret. You were the one that didn't want me to break up with Louis, and now…now, you're sitting here trying to tell me that I just have cold feet? Why are you doing this? Not just to me, but to yourself, you idiot."

"You're not making sense, Tawny…" This was my default response for when I couldn't come up with a defense.

"This is your fault!" She shouted.

"You didn't have to say yes when he asked you to marry him…totally not my fault." I argued.

She retaliated, "It is! You didn't want me when you could have had me!"

"I did, I just didn't want anyone to know…" I admitted.

"Ren."

"What?"

"Tell me you don't want me to marry Louis. Tell me not to."

I looked at her, searching for the correct answer, but this wasn't like taking a test. This wasn't school, "I…I can't. I can't tell you that. He's my brother, and all of the plans…" I shook my head, "I'm not worth it."

"Am I worth it to you?"

She had really turned this all against me, "Yes."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I don't know. I don't understand what you want."

"I want to know what you want."

"Stop with this mind-fucking thing. Just stop."

She shook her head, looking away from me, and started to get up from the couch.

I grabbed her hand, "Don't do it for me, do it for yourself…do it because you're not happy…because you don't love him. I can't be a lesbian…not now."

She turned back and looked at me, expecting me to say something more.

"Don't go…" I said softly.

"Why not? What are you doing?" She looked at a complete loss as I pulled her back to the couch next to me.

"Making a mistake." I kissed her lightly on the lips, "I love you. I really do…"

"Just not enough…" She sighed and kissed me back with only minimal reluctance, "But it's good to know Ren Stevens can make mistakes." She managed to murmur before the mistakes continued.


	4. Part 3

Good God can Ren Stevens make mistakes. Mistakes on top of mistakes. We stayed on the couch for a while before I decided it best that we head up to my room before my roommates drunkenly stumbled back. Them catching me with a girl would certainly ruin my reputation.

We crawled into my bed, and I started to tug on Tawny's shirt to pull it over her head. She pulled it back down, and backed away from me a little, "What are we doing?"

I hesitated. I didn't fucking know.

"I should go." She said, and started to get up, seeming flustered, confused herself.

"No, no, no…it's too late for you to drive all the way home." I protested, and grabbed onto her arms, "Just stay." She looked at me blankly, "Please?" I asked, sounding more desperate than I meant to.

"You're being pushier than normal."

"I-" I started to apologize.

"I like it." She said, unexpectedly.

I let my hands slide down her arms until I held her hands in mine; memorizing the best I could the way her skin felt. Then I went back to being my normal awkward self, "This is a horrible mess…"

"A horrible fucked up mess." She replied, "But let's pretend it's not…just for tonight..."

"And not tell anyone." I added.

"Of course not." She sounded a little exasperated.

I heaved a sigh, and pushed aside the fact that if I had business cards they would say: Ren Stevens, Home-Wrecker…even wrecks the homes of her own family. I pretended Tawny wasn't about to marry my little brother, and I guess she pretended that I wasn't a cowardly ass, doomed to be a cookie-cutter girl forever…too damn scared of what it would be like not to be. I'd trapped myself in my image.

We continued where we left off. She got back into my bed and straddled me carefully, running her hands through my hair. My touched her waist briefly before removing her shirt and leaning in to grace her collar bone with my lips. We fell into a night of what I wish I could say was full on, bursting passion, but it was really a half-assed, last attempt to hold onto something that never even existed. It was a night of mistakes and clinging, of repeated accidents that never should have happened. We avoided talking because talking would make the reality we were both thinking really be reality. If we both kept our mouths shut and never said a word, it wouldn't be as real, and as horrible of a fucked up mess.

She fell asleep in my arms, and I just lay there. I lay there thinking about how stupid all of this really was…about how I expected her, Tawny of all people, to be in a secret relationship with me. She didn't do secrets well, she didn't care what people thought, but I did, and now she had a secret. She'd be keeping this secret from my brother, her husband…I still ended up being her secret. I didn't want her to marry Louis, but I didn't want her myself either. I didn't want her for real. I didn't want the world to know.

That's what it had come down to before.

I wanted her and I loved her, but not enough to risk myself. All of my little selfless acts of encouraging her and Louis, telling her she had cold feet and that bullshit despite myself were just a method of maintaining the Ren that had always existed – they weren't selfless at all, they were perfectly selfish instead.

As I thought of these silly, pointless things I felt like I would cry. I didn't. I didn't want to wake her up, but I held her tighter, and she didn't stir. I drifted to sleep like this. It ended up being restless. I woke up every few minutes, panicking, fearing Tawny had left, and that she was gone forever, but I still held onto her, and she hadn't budged.

I didn't understand how she could be sleeping so soundly, and how she weren't having annoying, obtuse thoughts. Perhaps the night functioned more as closure for her than it did me. Perhaps she was faking it, just laying still to trick me. I like to think the latter. I like to think a lot of ridiculous things…

I always thought that I could have anything if I just worked hard enough for it. Not Tawny Dean, not my little brother's girlfriend…fiancé. I still had to correct that in my head. Did I even work hard? No…

What if I were willing to be out, to be gay with her, in front of everyone? Too late. She was _marrying_ Louis. I couldn't do that to my brother, even if he were an unrealistic idiot. I missed out. I missed the opportunity. This was my fault…

These thoughts plagued me continuously, in obnoxious loops in my consciousness.

It was done.

I didn't win.

I wasn't the best.

I wasn't perfect.

I made a mistake.

The mistake was years ago…the mistake was falling for Tawny in the first place. Right?

I didn't know anymore. I just didn't know. Not knowing was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world for me.

What had I been waiting for? Waiting for her to be willing to put up with my being insecure and self-conscious? Or was I waiting for me to get over it?

Trickles of early morning sunlight dappled my room in light when I woke up to actually find Tawny gone. She hadn't gone terribly far, and only sat at the end of my bed pulling her shirt back on.

She looked over her shoulder, "I'm sorry. I tried not to wake you up."

"You didn't." I said, and observed her in the pale light. She looked gorgeous, sparkling faintly like a small, anthropomorphized star. My star. My star that always existed just out of my reach because I wasn't fucking willing to jump for it. Jumping was too risky.

"I need to get home…" She said and turned away to slip on her shoes.

"I wish we could just run away." I mumbled, still lying down. She responded by getting up and grabbing her keys from my desk, stepping out of the light…the star faded. As she reached for the doorknob I said, pitifully, "Don't go."

She finally looked at me again, and shook her head. She appeared pissed off, "Ren."

"Sorry…" I muttered and sat up, "Forget about me…forget about all this."

"Never."

"That wasn't what you were supposed to say."

For the next moment we just stared at one another before she said, "We messed up."

I didn't bother to ask when she thought the mess up occurred. The night before? Years ago? Saying yes to Louis? It didn't matter. I nodded in agreement.

"I'll see you later." She started to leave again.

I got up and pushed the door shut and pressed her against it with my body. I kissed her, and she kissed me back for a second, but then squirmed away and out of my grasp.

"We're done, Ren." With care, she guided me out of the way.

"We're done." I agreed passively, but I grabbed her hand as she slinked past me.

We walked to the front door, and she opened it. Birds chirped cheerfully, and I wished they would shut up. I wished it weren't such a pretty day. The rain from the night before had all completely dissipated. There wasn't a single cloud in sight. We stood absently in the doorway.

"I'm sorry I'm one of your mistakes…" She gazed at me pathetically.

"Me too."

"Bye…" She turned and walked away from me.

We held hands until she got out of my reach. I knew that if I stepped beyond the threshold of my apartment door I wouldn't come back and only chaos would follow, so I stood in the doorway with my feet firmly planted. I would not be a home-wrecker. I watched her walk down the steps into the crisp, fresh sunlight. I watched her walk down toward her car. She crossed her arms and put her head down, sullenly.

I knew she was crying. I shut my door and locked it. I leaned my back on it, and I refused to cry. I didn't wait for her to get in her car. I didn't wait for her to leave. I'd like to think she looked back sometime after I shut the door, but I'll never know. I'd rather not have seen if she didn't. That's why I shut the door…so I can go on believing she looked back.

"Goodbye." I whispered, but only to myself, and I decided to do the dishes. All of them, even the ones that were already clean.


	5. The End

My home fell victim to much hustle and bustle during the days before the wedding

My home fell victim to much hustle and bustle during the days before the wedding. Random family members that I'd never met before scurried here and there, and made nests in our living room. I avoided it the best I could without seeming unsocial. I didn't want to attract attention to my downtrodden mood. I didn't want to bring anyone else down with me - it wasn't my style. I sulked in my room and attempted to feign illness.

I wished the wedding day would come more quickly, so that it could be over, and I could return to my solitude miles away, drowning myself in my academics. My thoughts were beleaguered with disbelief that I had fallen for my little brother's girlfriend…fiancé…wife. It really took conscious effort to correct myself on her actual status in relation to him. The real tragedy lay in my knowledge that she didn't love him. Only I knew, and I would never tell him, as it would break his heart. I'd keep it to myself forever. My new business cards would say: Ren Stevens, Almost a Home-Wrecker.

I woke up to my mother yelling outside of my bedroom door for me to hurry and get ready. I felt terribly empty, perhaps because I had only managed to snack on a few things over the past two days, but mostly because I knew it was finally the day of the wedding.

I rolled over and glanced at my clock. I had slept through my alarm, and had approximately an hour to prepare myself for the silly ceremony from Hell.

"Shit." I muttered. Heaven forbid I be late for something I didn't want to go to at all.

I grabbed a dress from my closet, performed all of the necessities, and straightened my hair.

"Ren, we're leaving!" My mom then yelled from downstairs and I slipped on my shoes.

"Coming!" I responded. I was in no condition to drive myself. I would have been far too tempted to drive into something along the way in order to miss the event.

We, my mom, dad, Donnie and I, piled into my dad's car, and my mom asked out of the blue, "Why didn't you be one of Tawny's bridesmaids?"

I cleared my throat, "I really don't know her that well."

"Hm." She said a little puzzled, "I thought you were good friends."

"Nah." I lied and then looked out the window.

"Ren, you really don't look well, honey…" My mom observed as we pulled out of the driveway to make our way to the chapel.

"Yeah, you're looking pretty rough." Donnie added.

I felt as if they were paying far too much attention to me with it being my brother's wedding day and all.

My feigned sickness evolved into actual sickness. My thoughts were making me sick. My mind kept wandering back to that night she showed up at my apartment, that night in Twitty's car, and those many nights when Louis was hanging out with Twitty and Beans, leaving his poor girlfriend stuck with me. Her words echoed in my mind, along with my phony responses, and what I should have said, all of the things I should have done. All of the ways this could have turned out differently.

"Ren, are you alright?" My mom said again.

"I'll be ok." I lied. I wouldn't be ok. I really wouldn't. This was torture. I was supposed to be over her by now – that was my plan.

"You've been studying instead of eating, haven't you?" Dad asked.

"Maybe…" I admitted, sheepishly. It wasn't terribly far from the truth, but wasn't the cause of my present nausea.

"Ren, is there something you need to talk about?"

Moms can sense things, but I denied it, "No. I'll be ok."

"You know you can talk to me."

"I know."

"Eileen, stop pestering her." My dad said from the driver's seat as we pulled into the parking lot.

"Hush, Steve." She responded in a maternal tone to her husband.

"You look like you might vom," my older brother felt the need to say, "Man, that would be hilarious."

Mom glared at him, "You need to get inside, you're the best man." She shooed him on out of the car, "Get moving. Find Louis and give him a pep-talk or something."

He sulked out of the car to go find Louis and our grandparents.

"I'm fine…it's probably just something I ate…Aunt Marge's spinach dip or something. Don't worry about me and focus on Louis. Today is his day, not mine." That last sentence was pretty literal – it was certainly _not_ my day. Not my week, month, or year.

I got out of the car, and resented that the day happened to be quite pretty…a lovely day for a wedding. The weather did not correspond to how I felt like I wanted it to.

As my parents mingled, I snuck on inside away from everyone. I didn't have the energy to pull smiles and meaningless chatter out of my ass. I sat down at the far end of the front pew on the groom's side, and propped myself up with my elbow. I stared at the mottled blue carpet. I glanced at the decorations, and also noted the blue-ness. This couldn't have been Tawny's doing. It looked nice, no less, and I hated it all the more.

I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye as the side door to the right of alter opened. Tawny poked her head out, I assume to take a final glance and make sure everything looked ok. She saw me and I perked up slightly, and she dipped back and shut the door as quickly as she opened it.

People began to trickle in, and get situated. The wedding march played, but in my head it sounded more like the funeral march. I watched as Tawny walked in. Her white gown blended nicely with her milky skin. It wasn't a particularly traditional one, it was plain and simple…no lengthy train dragging behind her, and the veil was small and also not elaborate. It contrasted sharply with her raven hair. She had it done up nicely, some loose curls dangling down, framing her face. She looked beautiful, and she smiled, looking only straight ahead.

The minister's words all sounded like garbled distant blathering. I stared at Louis, only at Louis. I tried to pretend he was marrying Ruby. It worked for about two seconds.

"Speak now or forever hold your peace," the man up front holding the Bible said. These words rang in my head clearly, piercing my thoughts.

I could think of reasons, multiple reasons.

I stood up.

Everyone looked at me.

And I looked around at the confused faces. I looked at Louis, his hands shaking. I looked at Tawny, she looked down and not at me. The all waited for me to say something, some people whispered. I knew it was about me._ What is Ren Stevens doing? The Stevens girl has lost her mind. Is she going to say something? Why is she even standing?_

Silence.

More silence.

I said nothing. I couldn't say a word, no matter how much I wanted to. Standing took everything I had, and I don't know why I even stood. I looked away from the front, and I walked around the corner of the pew then I walked to the back doors, taking the path by the wall, farthest from the aisle. I walked out. I walked out the way I came in, down the hallway, and out of the doors, leading into the light.

I walked out on everyone.

I walked completely out of the chapel, through the parking lot, and down to the sidewalk by the street. A few cars drove by as I stood in the shade of the trees that lined the road. I stood there for a while, waiting…I waited for someone to come out to find me, get me, bring me back in…something. I waited and nothing happened.

I didn't look back and I started to walk home.

I walked out on the person I loved and that was the end.


End file.
